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September 28 For Better or For WorseOkay, time for an update, but geez, is this gonna be long...though I'll try to make it as short and as brief as I can. First of all, about school... A couple of weeks ago, my parents prepared a letter for me to pass to the school so that they'll readmit me. But on that day, unfortuntately I bumped into Ms. Yuen, the vice principal who is also my biology teacher. She wanted to speak to me, ask me how have I been doing, why I'm still in HK and such. And it is here that I made the huge mistake to tell her almost everything that has been happening to me, why I'm still staying, and how I'm coming back to school and such. Though when she heard that I didn't plan to take the HKCEEs (if you don't know what that is, you need to go back cause I've been talking about that for the last couple of entries), she was clearly not happy about it. She lectured me about how I should take it and all, trying to do something to change my mind. She went so far that she even said that when she passes the letter to the principal (since we bumped into each other while standing in front of the general office, she said she'll take the letter and pass it to the prinicpal) and would tell him "every detail" that I've said and discuss whether or not I'll be reaccepted. Because as far as she's concerned, it seems bad that I'm coming back to school and then leaving, without taking the HKCEEs, not doing something that everyone else is doing and preparing for and that I'll affect the other students. Like with my laying-back attitude and how it seems unfair and such. Yes, I understand that her intentions were for the good of the me and the school as a whole, but I didn't like how she was pushing it and seems like she's using her powers as vice principal to the limit, as if she's forcing me to change my mind. Before I met her, I bumped into my French teacher and the councellor and they briefly heard about my plan and my well-being and they didn't object to my plans and accepted to what I've said like so. At the end of the day, she told me to go home and think of a "plan" as to what I'm going to do this schoolyear to convince the school to accept me again.
I was rather confused by what the heck she wanted me to do. I thought maybe the problem was that the school didn't like how I wasn't gonna take HKCEE and got the impression that I was gonna do nothing this year and simply slack off...even you might get this impression from my casual way of expressing my thoughts even in this blog. But if you know me well enough, you know that although I don't have high expectations of myself, I don't want to be the worse or drop everything and not do anything when it involves with something I might not like to but need to. In case, I'm still in school I would still work for the sake of studying, but just not working as hard as I would be if I were to prepare for that shitty HKCEEs. Trust me, I would never allow myself to fail or get very low borderline marks. But ugh, I accidentally told Ms. Yuen all that...I've forgotten how stern and demanding you could be (since it's been a while since I've seen her; i used to dislike her at the beginning of last year because of her demands in work during her class...but as time passes, I've come to understand that I actually benefict from it and did well in her lessons and have come to like her). The lesson I've learnt here is to speak when spoken to. Answer only to what has been asked when facing people of high position. Don't say anything more than what has been asked or else you'll face a higher risk of screwing up.
Eventually, I thought about it and I decided that I would tell the school that I would take the HKCEEs for the sake of everything. It's not like I'm lying...I would actually consider taking it, but it depends on whether or not I'll have time or whatever, to take it (afterall I might be leaving by some time during those exams...who knows). So I asked my parents to talk to school about this and we'll see about it. After a few phone calls back and forth for a few days, nothing was really solved. So we were personally invited to speak with the school. We weren't about to say much to the principal, probably he decided to leave this whole case to Ms. Yuen since she's Vice P and she knows about everything that's been going on. But seriously, throughout all this time, I feel like she's been making things more complicated since like I said before, she's a demanding person, so it's hard to tell what exactly she wants. So me and my mom went to school last week and spoke with her. It didn't went well, even my mom got so frustrated that they nearly argued. I guess Ms. Yuen didn't like how my mom was also present because maybe she wanted to personally deal with me, so she told us that they can't go on with this discussion if it's gonna be that way and ask to see me personally later on that day. And when I did, she seem to be more compassionate and easier-going. I know that Ms. Yuen's a demanding person who likes to follow her own principles and ideas, and that no matter how much my mom yells and argues with her about this issue, she wouldn't change her mind. But I believe that after my mom's "lecture" of her own, Ms. Yuen was shaken and took the issue less seriously. First she tired doing a little counselling with me, discussing why should I be afraid of taking the HKCEEs and such. And in the end, she wanted to hear this "plan" from me again. Turns out she wanted me to set a list of goals for this school year, to convince them that I'll work. At first she said "how about we make a deal that you would pass everything this year" (told you she went easier on me this time and that she got the wrong impression from me) and I told her that she doesn't need to worry cause I never fail anything, so she asked me to score at least 60% for all subjects. And I said I'll try...it shouldn't be much of a problem since most of my subjects are already above 60%, except for the weaker subjects like Chemistry and French.
So yeah, it has come to a conclusion that I'm readmitted back to school and that I'll be going back to school next week when it's October. Cause although it's a "special" (complete english school for minorities like us, aka foreigners) public school, there's actually a lot of payments you need to make. Free education is only provided until Form 3 (equivlent to Grade 9 back in North America) and then you need to pay a bit each month for continuing school. But like I said before, almost every "normal" job out there has a basic requirement of graduation Form 5, and for a decent job's requirement, HKCEEs. Come to think of it, HK government does earn a lot of money just from this, kinda like saying "you don't have to pay and continue school...but oh, let's see, you'll need to or else you won't live well in this society". Basically, I hate the HK education system, it's so screwed. So originally I was to go back this week, but if I did I'll have to pay for the fees for the entire September even though I'm only there for the last week. So we'll have to wait till it's a next month, which is next week. *sigh* so I'll be back to school next week. I'm not too optmistic about going back though. I've heard that this schoolyear has been pretty crappy...but then again EK has always been crappy. In fact, EK SUCKS...it's only the people there that I like and has made my time there enjoyable, if it wasn't for that...BURN!!! *shakes fist* I hate to say this, but I'm already starting to have a slight bit of regret that I'm still here and not back "home" where I could be having "real" high school. I'm sure that no matter how bad the drama there in high school, it's gotta be better in terms of "having school". Can't believe these feelings of regret are already surfacing up, I knew it was gonna come, just not this soon...
In other news, I finally have my own room now! :) I've been having my own room ever since about two or three weeks ago. Basically, this month has been up and down for me. I've been feeling good that I don't have school and get to enjoy and do whatever I want all this time, as well as finally have my own room. Feeling bad that I noticed how unprogressive I've been and how lonely and meaningless I feel because I don't have anything else to do. But oh well, for better or for worse, things will turn out right...i hope, lol. Anyways, I'm gonna post a pic of my room...or the main half of my room with my bed. Whatcha think of it? :) Well take care and I guess I'll see ya soon...in school, on the net, or whatever. Ciao. September 18 Just a Rant...just a post of rant; you don't need to reply to this (as if anyone would anyways) cause most likely it'll be something I wouldn't want to hear cause it seems to be the case that whenever I say something I feel bad about, people say things that don't really help but make me feel worse. if this is gonna be the case for this, then people might as well keep the criticism to themselves cause there's enough of that in this world and I don't need any more of that, thank you very much. Afterall, this was simply a rant of mine. I just wanna further express the feelings I have right now...think I might be having another one of my "breakdowns" again. I've felt this several times before but I'll still say it. I feel frustrated, insignificant and angry at the world. Whenever I look at the people around me, or anywhere in the world, I have this anger somehow burning inside me by the fact that all of us humans are insane in little ways and how much they can frustrate me. Such as why the hell can some people be such assholes sometimes... One particular thing that I've always felt bad about was that people, no matter what, always seem to have a place, a group of people where they can fit in and be a part of something. Whenever they're missing, the others would be concerned, worried and would look for them. When I look at myself, I feel miserable and feel like a failure cause it seems like I can never truly fit into anything. It seems like nobody really gives much of a damn what happens to me or particularly how I feel. I don't know if these are the examples of me being emo or what, but I don't care cause I've always known that there's a part of me that's dead and being emo. But what I don't know is that if the problem lies truly in me and that it's all in my head, or if it's the sad reality of the cruel world. Cause if the world's just like that, then there's more reason for me to hate it cause I'm so sick of the fact that people can be so goddamn self-centered and ignorant. Not ignorant as in technical facts, but ignorant as to the things that are happening around them and the people around them. Yes, you might say that I'm also self-centered and shit, and I confess and admit that I am indeed very self-centered...But how can I not be? I've been a loner throughout my life for reasons, conditions and circumstances that I could never have had control. I had a broken family, I had to constantly move around, I became insociable thanks to my upbringing with my weird grandmother at a certain range of age, I had problems expressing myself because I had communication problems because I learned both Cantonese and English at the same time as first language (some people have good lingistic skills and can handle that...but sorry, I have bad lingistic skills and I can't do that). And to this day, I still have a few of symptoms of those things. You might say, well go for it, do something about it, stop being an emo kid and complaining about it. But trust me, I have tried. If you would have witness from growth, you would have realize that I've had been trying to do what I can and change myself for the better and not changing the me inside (I'm afraid of changes because most people change for the worse and some people change so much that they become another person and lose themselves, I don't wanna be like that). But how many people are kind and understanding enough to truly care? Yes, I am quite the attention whore and can be asking for a bit of sympathy sometimes. You might call it jealousy or feeling sorry for myself but when I see people that are belonging and successful or talent, I wish I could be like that because those are the things that I don't have. But at the same time, I don't want to be like the ordinary people because of their lack of care and the nasty things that they do. I can't say that I do it better or care in particularly more than others because I'm only human, I know I'm not perfect and I know I screw up several times and can be a bitch sometimes. If I ever did you wrong or if I might seem like a hypocrite to you with all that I've said, then I give you my most sincere apologies but I've voiced out and I've tried. I refuse to believe that the world is as cold and as black as some people made it to be, I want to care as much as I can even though I know that sometimes I don't do well enough,...I wished for the better. But as you can see, when it comes back to looking and being myself, I feel like a miserable fuck. I ask myself certain question and sometimes others even though their answers can either mean nothing or a lot. What talents do I have? Cause I feel talentless and worthless at times. Who would stop and bother to worry about me if I disappear? How many people would attend my funeral, talk about me and mourn for me, if I suddenly die? Cause I sometimes feel like I mean so little in the eyes of many. Or I might just be that bug on the wall that everyone is annoyed of and just wants to smack it. I dunno, I think that's all I can say right now. Two songs quotes that I wanna put up right now that I'm listening now, that I like and that could describe my feelings right now. Yes, I can be quite melodramatic. Have a problem with that or anything else that I do? Well I don't care at the moment, so shut up.
"Now I know that I can't make you stay, So many bright lights they cast a shadow, I am not afraid to keep on living.
"So am I still waiting
Thanks if you've read through this thing...but it doesn't really matter that much anyways cause afterall, it was just a rant of bad feelings I've been holding in. *sigh of relief* ...that felt better, maybe I should print it out and pasted it in my real life "offline" diary, lol September 04 Wake Me Up When September EndsHey peeps, so how was your first day back to school? Exciting? Nervous? Great? Crappy? Luckily, I didn't have to worry about that, cause you know what? I'm not back in school...:-D...yet. Why? Well basically, since I thought I was gonna be leaving and going back "home" this year, I filed my leave and everything and I'm off the student registry and I haven't re-register myself back in it. Also, I haven't bought new uniforms (i need new ones since my old ones have already been written all over) or my textbooks. I'm so not ready for school, both in terms of the stuff I need and mentally not prepared. But we don't need to rush ourselves back into school because basically whatever is gonna happen to me this year isn't gonna matter much. THis year is mostly all about the HKCEEs which I'm not gonna take and I'm gonna be dropped a grade once I get back to Canada and have high school anyways, as mentioned in the last entry. I'm simply gonna go to school for the sake of going to school and have something on my report sheet. Not gonna work my ass off the same way I did last year though. So I guess you could count this as an extended summer holidays for me, which is just sweet. :-D And I don't think I'll be going back to school until at least a couple of weeks later, when I'm more everything ready. Oh and guess what happened? Although I'm off the registry, but I still went to school on the first day...except I was standing outside and not inside. I decided I wanted to go for the sake of knowing what's new this year and seeing my friends and all. THe first three days were only half day, so I showed up almost at noon and guess what. A man in white t-shirt came up to me and asked me if I was a parent or something. I said I wasn't and then he said he was a police officer and demanded me to show some identification. I showed up my ID card and my student ID from last year. He asked me a few simple question, like what I was doing there and who am I, to which I replied honestly and told him that I was a past student who left because I thought I was gonna leave but now I'm back except I'm just not registered yet. Then he told me to stay aside if I'm waiting for someone. He really was a police officer though, undercover or something and had to go in casual clothes. I recognize his police ID card and he was from like the anti-triads department! 0_0 damn...is our school's reputation so bad now that we have to have the police keeping an eye on us and inspecting us on the first day back to school. meh, but then again, in my opinion EK was always sucky, crappy and shitty; it was only the people there that I like and made my time good. By the way, we've finally moved into our new apartment. I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but I still maintain my opinion that it was unnecessary. One thing I really hate about this place are the locations of the electrial plugs, it's ridiculous. (long story and I'm not gonna bother with it, besides, you guys don't like it when I put too much stuff on here) I heard that I might be getting my own room at last. If that's the case, then ALRIGHT, SWEET! so I guess I'm all settled in now. *shrugs* oh well, I guess that's all now. See ya all later. Have fun at school! ;-) Don't be too jealous that I don't *wink wink nudge nudge*, just kidding, hehe. Anyways, all the best to you.
"Summer has gone and passed. |
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