After posting my previous entry, apparently, quite a few people have indeed read my blog (out of my usual expectation) and one particular sentence caught their attention. I never knew that so many people read my blogs and actually pay attention to what I've had to say, bit by bit. I don't know exactly how many people read what I put there, but I know a reasonable portion of people have read it or knows 'something more' about me (and thank you for those who have kept silent about it in front of other people and dealt with it maturely). I don't mind that, I posted what I said because I felt like doing so and i know what I was doing. But what I do mind is what one particular person said to me when we were suddenly chatting. She was using a different term to describe the term that I used about that something. And I immediately corrected her, saying that they're two different things. But she just said something along the lines of "this, that, it's the same". And that offended me and pissed me off because this was the one thing I was afraid of when I posted that blog entry. I'm used to having her saying things that offends me or pisses me off because all along she has always been saying the most unsuitable things at the most unsuitable time and we never really got along too well, but what I was concerned about is that if other people might also be mistaken about to one thing to another. For fuck's sake, even a dictionary can tell you that there's a difference from one thing to another. Sheesh!

 But anyways, there were two people (other than that one person I've just mentioned) who came up to me and admit that they read my blog (one who already knows that fact about me before I even made it public on my blog) and that they're okay with it. They also said that they have read my blogs before and they even found it "interesting"...Wow, now this amuses me. On one hand, I kinda feel encouraged to know that people actually do care and listen to what I have to say, unlike what I thought. While on the other hand, I kinda felt upset and disappointed that even though there has been so many people reading and listening to what I've had to say all along, they have never contributed to a single damn thing or have done anything about me like trying to help me with my problems or come up to me with the right approach and talk it out with me, even though they know pretty damn well that I've been having problems all along...damn bloody bastards...this does not apply to my online e-friends because I know they already know tons about me and that they care and I love them. for my offline friends, if you have ever left a 'comment' or even done the slightest bit of thing to help me out and let me know that you've acknowledged my concerns, you are forgiven...otherwise, you are unappreciated here, so piss off and get the fuck out of here!

 Another thing that amused me. But first of all, let me tell you something. I've got a job now! My very first job! :D It's a part-time job in which I'm only working on Sundays. I won't describe the job description to you for reasons which I will explain later. I won't say what my salary is either because in terms of CAD/USD, it's actually lower than the minimum pay there...but in terms of local currency, it's pretty high for part-time job. All I can say is that I'm pretty happy to finally get a job now and to be able to earn some money of my own (lately I've noticed that my allowance is rather tight for the increasing amount of things I buy, other than just the basic needs such as lunch and transportation), and the job isn't pressuring, yet I get a high pay and it only requires me to work on Sundays. The only thing bad about that is that I'll be missing church from now on...but oh well, something's gotta give and you can't have them all. But it's not like my faith would crumble without church...besides, this job is only temporary since the original person quit the job and the person in charge manage to find people to fill in all the shifts but Sundays.

 Anyways, what I wanted to say was that last Sunday was my first day of work, and I've never mentioned to anyone in my offline life about my job. But yet when I went back to school on Monday afternoon (i skipped the morning cause I was late and the schools here suck so much that they give detentions when you're late...), I got a bunch of people coming up to me and "interviewing" me like a celebrity, saying "Ivan, you've got a job now? what is it?" and I had no idea the news was out. It's not that I was trying to keep it a secret, it's just that I had no intentions of telling anyone yet. Even if I want to, I didn't want everyone to know so that they wouldn't be fussing me over with it. But I think I had an idea of who spread the news. On the day I was introduced to my job (like to have the person in charge explain everyting in advance before I start my job), it just so happens that one of my friends called Mary, was working in the coffee shop that was beside my post and yeah...she even said not to tell anyone about her job because she doesn't want people to visit her all the time...heh, so much for keeping it a secret...yes, I don't care if I'm exposing a bit of information about hers now because she didn't kept her end of the bargain...that's right, like I said before, I'm no longer gonna be as nice and as forgiving to people any more...I did say that I've killed part of my conscience for my newly developed defence against people...since I've been a bit cynical for the past two months...in case you missed the point I was trying to point out for the past two months, I'm like this because it's people's fault...you made me do this because of what you do to me...Thank you for the venom | Merci pour le venin...But in conclusion, damn, does rumours/news/information spread like fire!

EDIT: btw, I also got a haircut today, also straighten some of it. I've always wanted to straighten a bit of my hair since it has always been neither straight or curly, it's just messy. for example, whenever my hair grows down to my eyebrows, it starts curling and i hate that. so today I finally straighten that part of it...and damn, it turns out that my hair at the front was actually very long...long enough to cover my eyes except later on, we trimed it a bit. the first thought on my head was "great, now i'll actually be able to look like an emo", lol. even my little brother, when he first saw me with my new haircut said, "coool.....you look like one of those 'crazy singers'". LOL! but overall, I quite like what I got in the end. anyways, here are the pics:

NOW PLAYING:
"All I Want for Christmas", covered by My Chemical Romance

I think it's time for me to post one of those blog entries that give a very deep personal insight on me. I'm gonna split this entry into sections/chapters with their own little song quote statement. Music expression much? Well that's the way I like it, uh-huh, lol. I realize that probably nobody's gonna read much of what I have to say, but if you do, please do respect what I put as I've said just that, this is a rather personal entry. If you want to show your concern and have something to say, say it with reason and politely, and not as if it's a joke cause I don't think I'm in the mood for that any more and you know who you are...You should know by now, I am someone with many different sides and the reason why I have so many different sides of me is because I am a sensitive person and sometimes I get affected easily depending on what people say. And now it begins...

I am 16, NOT going on 17

I'm sure that lots of people wouldn't have known that my birthday was just a few days ago...but that's okay, don't wish me any "Happy Birthday" or feel bad about it...cause I deliberately did all I could to disable my birthday remindering function on all my social community sites...simply because I didn't want to celebrate my birthday. Reason why? It's a long one...but the simple story is that every time when it's my birthday I fel really bad inside that another year has pass, time is running out, and that nothing much has been happening in my youth time. I think one of the biggest regrets of my life is the fact that I was never able to enjoy and experience the joys and experiences that a typical child could...actually it's not much of a 'regret' since it has to do with things that I had no control of, situations, circumstances, places that prevented me for being able to do much. sure I might be slowly gaining back my life, but it's kinda late now that adulthood is one step closer. and in my opinion, when one becomes an adult, everything changes...As you can see, I am very conscious about my age and completely petrified of adulthood. If Neverland existed, I would do anything to get a ticket there. so ever since last year, I've been trying to avoid my birthday and pretended nothing happened. I am 16, and NOT going on 17! ;-) lol. cause mind you, I don't like the number 17 because for me, it means that you would have to start maturing up cause it's the last year of your teenage and you're gonna be an adult the next year.
However, the funny thing is that the more I try to avoid it, the more attention I get. Basically a lot of people were greeting me "Happy Birthday". I didn't want to do much on that day, I asked my family not to do anything special, which they weren't happy to hear about. In the end, the day went on like any other day, except being slightly special with the small things that happened between. Didn't have cake cause I insisted in not getting one. I've got $1000 HKD/$125 USD/CAD for my birthday from my parents. On the day after (Monday), my friends got me a cake and a present (a Quiksilver t-shirt). I really appreicate what they did for me and it means a lot that they cared that much about me. but I just couldn't bring myself to be truly happy and genuinely smile, just had an awkward one. *shrugs* yeah, I realize that some of you might be rolling your eyes and say "dammit, he's so emo..." but just bear with me for a minute...these are one of my emo moments.

"Seventeen and strung out on confusion
Trapped inside a roll of disillusion
I found out what it takes to be a man
No, Mom and Dad will never understand

Secrets collecting dust but never forget
Skeletons come to life in my closet
I found out what it takes to be a man
No, Mom and Dad will never understand"
- "Coming Clean" by Green Day

The Last Song I'm Wasting on You

Anyways, what I was trying to say was that i wanna spill out something now on the event that my birthday also just passed. after two years of having a stupid pathetic crush on someone...a good friend of mine...or at least used to be, I've finally gotten over with it. btw, coming clean now that I'm older now, I'm actually bi...so you can imagine the possibilities of who this crush I have might be, lol. anyways, after my attitude change last month that I mentioned a few blog entries before...I've learn to get over with this friend of mine who not only have I liked as a friend...but as something else. after all this time of putting so much time and effort on this person...I've finally been able to overcome my feelings and got what I wanted...to get over with this person. I've finally accepted the fact that despite how hard I've tried to fix things between us, the truth is our relationship has changed and has worn so thin that we're not even the same good friends as we used to be. so it's okay...I can finally let go and I'm happy that I don't have to worry about it any more.
The funny thing is that just a couple of days after I came up with this conclusion, this person starts to be slightly warm and friendly again...it's like as if someone's playing tricks on me, seeing if I would fall for that person again. But i reminded myself that once again, this person's only ordinary friend whom I'm no longer gonna put exceptionally more attention on any more. This is the last song I'm wasting on them...

"And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out while you can

When you go, would you even turn to say
'I don't love you like I did yesterday.'"
- "I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance

When loneliness becomes solitude, when solitude becomes cynicism, when cynicism becomes depression...(you know you're f**ked)

Picking up from what I mentioned in the blog entry "Learn Not to Love the World Too Much, for the World is an Evil Place", over the past month I've been struggling between cynicism and hope/conscience. On one hand, it feels like I've killed part of my conscience in exchange for comfort, inner-peace, confidence, and making myself feel good. but on the other hand, I know if I go back to the way I was, I would end up being as hurt as I was before while trying to do so much for people that don't deserve it. and that thought makes me feel selfish and ignorant...I dunno. Originally, there was also this story I wanted to put into this entry about why I thought it was the right decision to turn my back on the shit that happens between people and so. But like a rollercoaster and like a stock market, what fall rises and what rise falls...Things are once again starting to look up. People are being warmer these days, it's easier to see the light in situations nowadays. Everything seems to be going easy, and that's what I need for this season. Heck, Christmas is coming soon and some positive energy and atmosphere would be appreicate for the season of joy. Well now that everything's laid off on the safe and easy side, i'll also put my grudges aside and enjoy this time while I can before it starts going down again. I think in the end, I'll come to accept that this whole warmth and coldness thing between people would be as natural as the change of weather. Again, I apologize if I made this blog entry seem extreme emoish. Believe or not, i'm actually feeling a lot happier than you think as you have been reading this entry. Think of this as an escape to let out my thoughts of sorrow. Hope you're all doing better off than me. All the best, take care, cheers! God bless!

"Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark, and so it all began

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in...again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole...defense

Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?"
- "The Pretender" by Foo Fighters