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October 27 Learn Not to Love the World Too Much, for the World is an Evil PlaceThere has been something I've been feeling that I've wanted to post for the entire month, but it was until now that I'm finally posting it. For those are you who are attentive enough, you would notice that even the title of this post was my MSN screename for the whole month, because this is what I've been feeling. Anyways, let me start off by updating about what's been happening with me at school. Everything's been quite moderate, I haven't been feeling as bad or have any breakdowns or really bad feelings throughout my month back to school. But I guess it's mostly because of my change of attitude. At the beginning of the school year, I said to myself that no matter what happens this school year, I won't pressurize myself or let things affect me as much as it did last year.
So I tried to keep calm throughout this month, and while trying to fulfill that goal of mine, I sorta manage to find peace with myself and I've found appreication in being alone sometimes. Like sometimes I would take a look at how everyone can be in a little world shared with other people, their own little groups and then I'm all by myself in my own little world, not really belonging to anywhere else. I would used to feel bad about it, but now I sometimes I feel glad that I'm not part of them cause I see that people can be quite hideous with each other even if they're suppose to be together and I'm glad that I'm in my own safety zone. And it reminded me of something I've heard before in the church's youth fellowship, which inspired me to write one of my "thought statements" that I write on my desk whenever I feel bored at class, "there's a difference between 'loneliness' and 'solitude', know what it is!". Now I understand why some people are so cold and quiet sometimes. This just don't want to be too attached to other things that might hurt them more. They just don't wanna care, keep one eye open and one eye close.
Which leads me to another thought also inspired by a sermon, "learn not to love the world too much, for the world is an evil place". And I noticed that in the past, I would easily get hurt and affected because I care too much about what's going on around me. The truth is th world is indeed an evil place and that being too attached to it just causes suffering sometimes. So now I just wanna shrug off to everything and not care about anything as much and so far it worked and I do feel more protected nowadays. Or maybe I'm just being more cynical...
But then this defies my way of thinking in the past, how I refused to believe that the world is as cold as people made it to be and that I wanted to do something about it and bring out the light. And I don't like to defy myself because anyone can do that, but me doing that to myself would be like betraying myself. Cause you see, I am someone who doesn't like changes that much cause usually changes happen for the worse. Sure, changes that are for the better are amazing, but the problem is usually people change for the worse and head in the wrong direction. I see some people, they had dreams and goals for doing certain things, and they were wonderful and I like them for the way they were, who they were on the inside and their personality. And some people when they grow up, they change so much, they give up on their dreams, they defy what they've said in the past, it's like they become another person and I don't like that. Now you might say that it's a process call 'growing up', and althought you might be absorbing intelligence and maturity, but like I said before, people usually change for the worse and lose something else at the same time...I dunno how to explain this precisely, but it's more like one is changing so fast and likes to achieve so much for these changes that eventually they "lose themselves", if you know what I mean. You may disagree with me or whatever but this is what I beieve. Which is why I once promised myself that I wouldn't change myself like that and that even if I change, I would make sure what I'm changing reasonably and that it's for the better.
So then that pulled me back in and I figured that although it's a fact that the world's an evil place, it doesn't mean that it's not worth loving nor worth lighting a spark of hope in it. It's just that we shouldn't love it TOO much and let it engulf us with the evil and coldness. There are times when one needs to hide away in solitude so that they may find peace when the treacheries of the world is too much to bear, and then there are times when one needs to stand up and shine out the light. "Light up a torch, bring out the light. Light up the world, bring us to life. March on, shine on, keep on going on." And I've been feeling better recently now that I figure got that all figured out. To find joy in solitude when the world outside is cold, and still be encourage to shine out the light and still be passionate about helping others, but just to more careful how to use it cause people might abuse your sincerity. I think that's all I have to say, I've basically tried to simpify the whole thing as much as I can, so yeah. See ya, God bless. October 03 First Day Back to SchoolOkay, this is a delayed entry. I originally wanted to post this here yesterday but MSN Spaces was sorta down yesterday so I had to wait till today to do it, anyways:
As said, today's the first day I return back to the school, back to good ol' EK...after all this time. I must say, overall speaking, everything went quite fine and better than what I expected. The lessons today weren't that tough and I could catch up and understand what was taught in the lesson without knowing what happened to the previous lessons (probably cause each lesson has something different, I dunno *shrugs*). And best of all, I didn't get any homework today. So yay, there wasn't much to worry about, it all went quite smoothly. Though I wouldn't say my previous worrying was unnecessary and wasted cause afterall it's better to expect for the worst so that you wouldn't be too affected when it happens and you could be surprised and thrilled when good happens, rather than have high hopes and be disappointed and upset when things don't go as smoothly as you thought it would. So yeah, overall, today was good. :-) Thank God.
In other news, something random. You can virtually ignore this paragraph because it's nothing important. Since last week, I've planned to buy this limited edition version of "The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance that I've seen on sale since last week, and I really wanted to get it even though I already have the basic version of the album already. There's been a bunch of CDs I've been having my eye on and I wanted till today to get it. One, cause it's a new month and I get my allowance at the beginning of a new month. Two, if I did ended up feeling low or bad or stressed out today, I could buy something that I like/want to cheer myself up. So in the end, I bought that limited version set and the new CD "Underclass Hero" by Sum 41. Which I'm not gonna happen it yet until I wind up feeling down later on this week and I needed something. There were others I wanted to buy but I don't have enough money. well that's all now, before I go i just want to say, don't give me crap about the music I listen to, I listen to all sorts of things and these are one of the things I listen to. to each their own right? well see ya. |
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