Ivan's Box of Thoughts

There is an important matter at stake right now, and I need advice from whomever's reading this. For those of you who don't know, ever since I was 13, I've been determined to have my name changed to something else other than Ivan Ngai Sum Sze. And now the opportunity to do so is finally available now I am "home", of legal age, and having been in the country for the past 12 months (it's part of the requirements to change your name, so I had to wait even after the immediate moment I turned 18). So now's the moment.

Before I go on, some of you might not know the reasons why nor the story behind this whole thing, and some of you might have already known it but have simply forgotten it. If you are one of those, the following two paragraphs would be what you need to know about what's going on. I have always hated my father and his side of the family. My father was a coward, worthless and pathetic man who hardly contributed anything to keep the family working. Things with my parents and the in-laws usually won't work out, and in the end, our families separated. My father did nothing afterwards to sustain me and my mother, but instead he ran away. My paternal grandmother has always been part of the problem with the arguments that goes on within the family, and after our families split up, she helped him covered his tracks so that he would not have to take care of us. All of this happened when I was around 3-4. That's the reason why I've never liked my last name/surname/family name/whatever you like to call it, and that's the reason why I would almost never use my full name unless for documentation or formal purposes, and that's the reason why I wanted to drop my family name.
I would not follow my mom's family name because her father was not a good man either and she was never all that proud of her family's history either. She even once said it herself, "all the men in the Cho family are worthless, only the women are those who are strong enough to struggle on their own and do well". To sum it up, let me just say that almost all the men in my family tree are either worthless cowards who are unable to do much to succeed or just simply jerks/a**holes/douchebags/etc. Most of my family tree is shattered, and I'd like to start all over. In this sort of situation, some people would rather not change their names and would rather retribute for the family name and make something good out of it. For my case, I am not too fond of that idea and I would rather start over. Therefore, I would like to change my surname to a completely new name. I would not be changing my name to some random last name and follow some random stranger's last name. I would like to start over, start my own family line, a new family name, and that's what I'm going to do.

Now the point of this entry isn't for me to ask whether anyone out there agrees with this idea of mine with changing my name, but it is to ask for advice, opinions, comments and suggestions for what I'm about to do next with the name change idea. Ever since I  was 13, I thought of using the name "Mordalfus". A completely fictional name that I got from a book called "Mattimeo" in the "Redwall" book series. There is no special reason why I chose to pick that name; I just like the name for the way it sounds and its uniqueness. However, despite how much I have mentioned this plan of mine to my friends over the past few years, it is until recently when I actually got the application form (I've been holding onto the form for the whole summer now because I need to first inform my mother of this decision of mine since I respect her and I was in HK for a month and a half with her during the summer) that I received a few negative feedback from people, telling me that it's a stupid idea (the name itself) and so on and so forth. It frustrates me at first that nobody said anything about it for all these years until now. And since I am a bit insecured and unconfident sometimes, I'm asking for as much advice as I can, as to whether I should stick with my plan of changing my surname to "Mordalfus", or whether I should pick an alternative name? If I should pick an alternative name, it would most probably be "Matthias" (love that name for a lot of reasons, even wanted it as a middle name, as well as naming a future son that name if I were to stick with Mordalfus) or something else (and that would require lots of planning and thinking all over again if that's the case). So in a nutshell, my final question is what would you think if someone had a family name/surname/last name, Mordalfus? Would you think it's weird or unique? Cool or terrible? Good or bad? This is very important to me since I'm talking about something that would be for the rest of my life, and I only have a short time to do this as I want to get this done before I graduate high school (in my last year of high school this year, remember?). I'd really appreciate it if you have read this all, respond to this entry and take the less-than-a-minute survey (if you really can't be bothered to reply directly, then at least take the survey). Please be honest and respectful. Thank you. :-)

Survey URL: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=Qwq32K8MX3pJTZHIW3f5Pw_3d_3d

On a random note, take a look at the date today, 09/09/09, special eh? Today is also special by the fact that it's the first day back to school for me, and I'm in Grade 12 now. It was not too bad and not that great, was just okay. It felt a bit weird to be back in school actually, especially with the issues I've mentioned in the blog entry that I posted right after school ended. But like I said, after all this time, I'm not gonna let all of my problems get the best of me this year since it's my second year in this school as well as my last, and last in high school overall. I'm trying to keep having faith that this year's gonna be a good year. :-) Anyways, for the first semester I have, Math - Data Management (i might drop out or switch out of it since me and math don't go well, especially if it's first period...), Writer's Craft (a special english class that focuses on writing skills, something that I want so to sharpen my writing skills; the teacher seem really stern though and i don't like that), Philosophy, and Biology. Let's hope everything goes well with school.

An undate on my 5-week journey to Hong Kong from July 17 to August 24, visiting friends and family, and I have quite a lot to show and talk about now that I'm back. If I were to describe my feelings for everything about my stay in HK, it would be the word, "change". Because while I was there, I saw that a lot of things have changed and I knew it the moment I saw my siblings again. Oh, how they've grown! They're taller, bigger, and just simply...different. For example, their hands have grown larger than the last time I held them. Ever since I've moved out and my family has moved to a new, better and safer apartment, they've grown a lot more independent and they know how to take care of themselves now. Heh, children are always the easiest way to measure the changes in life. Speaking of the new apartment my family has moved to, my family seems to be doing a lot better over the past year. Family has been gaining some extra money from stocks my stepdad had invested. They've moved to a much better apartment (bear in mind that about 90% of residence in HK are apartments, space cost a lot there). My stepdad's company provide a car for him since they promised a raise a long time ago and now they're giving him a car instead of a raise to make up for it, and it's even a Mercedez-Benz E-class. So everything's been going very well with my family and I'm very happy about that. It's amazing how so much change can happen in one year.

It was nice to see my family and how well they're doing, as well as the friends that I've made there and have loved  all along (they have different backgrounds, some were raised in HK, some weren't, but most of them weren't raised in the local Chinese culture because of their foreign backgrounds; so if only they were here instead of over there), and had a great time with them. You know, about two years ago, I once said and considered that if the happy things would stay the way they are, then I would give up my dream of "coming home" and stay there with the happiness I've found (in terms of friendship; the only problem I had with my life at that point besides the fact that I was away from "home" was my stepdad, but that's another long story for another day). But I never gave up on my dream of "coming home" because I thought that all of us were leave some day anyways, knowing that we're only there for indefinite periods of time (like i said, most of my friends were from other countries, who were just staying in HK for a indefinite period of time). So my stay there made me wonder about that thought I had two years ago now that I saw that things haven't changed and most probably won't change much any more now that the period of uncertainty while we were "graduating" is over... But in the end, I knew HK would never be my home because there are too many differences there for me to bear compared to what I perceive as my home. I wouldn't mind living over there for a period of time, but certainly not staying there. I'd say that I'm happy with the way things are right now in my life, to live my life at "home" in Canada and visit HK every so often (more like every year) to see my friends and family, so I won't be missing them TOO much. And that's the way it is, and I guess that's what's best, considering and knowing that one cannot have things both ways and in all the ways they want it to be.

Now before I go, a few of the best pics I took while I was in HK. You know where to find the rest of my album ("Revisiting HK 2009") for this trip: right here or on my facebook.

The Jumbo Floating Boat Restaurant
And while we were inside, having dinner, there was this throne thing and we took a bunch of pics there (actually, mom made us take a lot more since she liked the background, you should see the full album and you'll know what i mean). Here's one of them, a family photo:

Stanley district and the "Murray House" (a historical building) there
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me and my friends up on Victoria Hill, aka The Peak




and the view up there:

Victoria Harbour at night:

EDIT: whoops, turns out i posted this a little bit too late to be 09/09/09 any more... :-(

It's been forever since I've updated my blogs, it's been half a year already and it's been far too long as this is the longest I have ever taken in updating my blogs. I'd say that it was mostly due to procrastination as when something I want to mention happens but I don't put it down immediately and I just wait till I feel like it, other things happen as well and as that list of things you want to talk about builds up, it just takes longer to type it up and post it, and so there would be even more procrastination. Actually now that I come to think about it, ever since my second semester started, I've been growing lazier as time goes by. I guess that's what happens when you're by yourself and no longer have your parents to constantly bug you and nag you over every thing you do at home. Heh, and I thought I had good self-discipline, guess I need to work on that then.

Anyways, I'm just gonna briefly go over all the important things that have happened since the last time I've posted.

First semester was finished by the end of January and I did reasonably well, got 78% in Anthropo-/Socio-/Psycho-logy (average 71%), 82% in Philosophy (average 78%), 63% in Math (average 73%; I think I'm done with Math for all now, not gonna take it next year), 80% in Biology (average 80%). My overall average was 75.8%, and if it wasn't for Math I would have gotten 80% which would be great, since I think the minimum passing grade for university is 75% (for overall average) and if you get over 80% for your overall average by the time you graduate, you'd get the Ontario scholarship for university and as your overall average goes higher, the higher your scholarship.
Second semester began in February and I had Phy Ed - Fitness, Physics, English, and a spare period. For Physics, I got 82%, English was around 70-74%, and Phy Ed was about 70%. Report cards would be mailed out later on but as far as I know this is what I should be getting. Second semester was quite disappointing really cause it should have been easy for me since there was only two periods where I was actually doing work. In fact, I think the semester might have been too easygoing for me, and so I simply got lazy and procrastinated and didn't do as well as I would have wanted to. I wouldn't have taken Phy Ed since it's usually not my type of thing but according to my guidance counsellor, I was missing a credit in a certain category and I could make up for it by taking an Arts, Economics or Phy Ed course, and so she recommended the Fitness course since it was suppose to be easy, and it kinda was. But once again, half of the time I wasn't so motivated and I skipped quite a lot of classes as well, so that explains my "meh" mark.
School is done as of June 24, and I can't believe it's all over so soon. It's been one school year already and one year since I've gotten "home", and I can't believe how fast time has passed. I feel like nothing much has happened and that I barely accomplished much in my personal life over the past year. To this day, I still haven't made any particularly good or close friends who are close enough to hang out and such, which is sad. After all, I was hoping for more fun, drama, excitement and "life" now that I'm back in "real" high school, but apparently everything just feels like a breeze of wind that's just passing by. Partly I blame it on fate, partly I blame it on myself. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this already but ever since I've gotten back, I noticed that I've been more shy than I would usually be. Somehow, for some reason, I feel inferior and somewhat lesser as if I'm not good enough when I see my other fellow Canadians because I fear people would see me different because I have been away from the country for 6 years, and this certainly doesn't help when I have always had low self-esteem/confidence issues. I understand the logic that if you believe and see yourself in a certain way, you will eventually become that even though you're not actually like that. Therefore, I've been more shy than I need to be, more quiet and slightly more awkward than the real Ivan is, and so people don't normally see the real me, but the loser verison of myself. It's silly and I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it. Knowing the problem is one thing, solving that problem is another. Though I am proud to annouce that I have been making improvements and I really hope that next school year would be far lot better than it has been this year. All the experience I've had with different schools tells me that it's usually by the second year that everything good solidifies, and I hope it would certainly be that way.

Speaking of Phy Ed and sports earlier, there's something else that I want to mention. On one of the last few days of school, floor hockey was played in Phy Ed. I can't remember when was the last time I played it since it must have been several years. But for the first time, I was actually tempted to join in and play cause I was genuinely interested (i usually sit out...our class is mostly a fitness class, we don't do sports that often, when we do, that's what I do...that's me, i'm a bad sport).
And then I remembered how much I used to like hockey. Hockey and baseball were the two sports that I actually had interest in as a kid. But like any hint of interest I might have had for sports, it died out while I was still a kid because of many factors, particularly due to the self-esteem/confidence issues that I've already had all along, as well as the influence of my grandma's character onto mine (since I grew up with her while I was 4-8, when a lot of character development occurs) thus making me uninterested in many things that I might have liked as a child. Ultimately, it makes me wonder, if I had the opportunity to develop my interest in hockey and if sports would have entered my world, what kind of person would I have been today? One thing I can't deny and that a lot of people would support is that sports does have an effect on one's self-confidence. And since I had terrible self-confidence to begin with, it was one of the many factors that set me back from trying harder. But if I was encouraged more, maybe it could have worked the other way around and would have boosted my self-esteem/confidence... :? Meh...

Now there's one more thing that's important and worth mentioning. During March Break, I went on a trip to Michigan. It was the first I've been in the US for several years now. What was I doing there? This would sound really silly but let me tell you something. For those of you who know me pretty well, I spend quite a lot of time on the internet and I sort of even have a life on the internet and have made a bunch of e-friends. One of them is someone by the name of DJ (DJ are his initials and what people usually call him) who is the longest e-friend I've made and possibly the longest friend I've had who I've kept in contact (I've known him since i was 13). Anyways, he's from Lansing, Michigan (the capital city of the State of Michigan) and his 18th birthday was at the end of March. So during March Break, I decided to make a trip to Michigan (to Lansing, and a short stop at Detroit while taking Greyhound) so that I could personally meet him at last, to sort of celebrate his birthday even though it's after March Break, and to also go on a little vacation of my own as well as visit the United States. It was great and I enjoyed it even though I only spent about 4 days there and that was it, but still it was a nice experience. I'm just gonna post some of the pictures I took during my trip, but not all since there's too much and I've got other pics to post as well. For the rest, check out the "Michigan" album on either my default blog as usual at http://spaces.msn.com/megastorm88 or for simplicity sake, http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=67208&id=810318538&l=6479e7aa93 on my Facebook.

the Michigan State Capitol at Lansing, Michigan:

Grand River from Frances Park in Lansing, Michigan:



me with DJ and his friend Ben, who I already knew

In Detroit (seeing is believing, wasn't impressed by that city, guess what they said was true):

Coleman A. Young Municipal Center, aka Detroit City Hall

the "Spirit of Detroit" statue in front of Coleman A. Young Municipal Center, aka Detroit City Hall

Detroit People Mover

Campus Martius Park in Detroit

Ambassador Bridge, one of the border crossing points between Canada and USA, between the cities of Windsor, Ontario and Detroit, Michigan

staring out to Windsor, Ontario, Canada on the other side of the Detroit River

Detroit-Windsor Tunnel, one of the border crossing points between Canada and USA, between the cities of Windsor, Ontario and Detroit, Michigan

downtown Detroit from Fort St W

downtown Detroit from Lafayette Blvd

downtown Detroit from Woodward Ave

Renaissance Center, General Motors World Headquarters, in Detroit (probably the only impressive thing in Detroit...)

And for those who are interested in the pics more than the things I say sometimes, here's some more. Last month was Open Doors Toronto, an annual event where about over a hundred historial, cultural, whatever significant buildings are open free to the public for visits. And it usually takes place on the weekend of late May.
I was only able to attend for the Sunday one and I only had time to go inside the Ontario Legislature at Queen's Park and City Hall, and that was it, oh well, it was still something and I still enjoyed my time. :)
Again, more pics on the "Open Doors Toronto" album on my default blog, http://spaces.msn.com/megastorm88 , and on my Facebook, http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=81178&id=810318538&l=434e6e2106  

the Ontario Legislature at Queen's Park

entrance to the legislative chamber of the Ontario Legislature at Queen's Park

inside the legislative chamber of the Ontario Legislature at Queen's Park

the Council Chamber at Toronto City Hall:

a model of downtown Toronto at City Hall

Hmm, so what else to be updated on...I'm going to Hong Kong from July 17 to August 24 to visit my family. I'm getting my driving lessons because Ontario laws say that I could get a shorter waiting period for my driving test for my G2 licence (G2 = probitionary licence, right now I have a G1 = learner's permit) and cheaper insurance in the future. Besides, I could use some lessons to get me more familar with driving. :) Um, I'm also thinking of finally getting my name change after the summer since that's what I've always wanted to do but if you remember my previous blog entries, I couldn't do it cause I had to be in Ontario for the past 12 months to do so. It has already been 12 months (like I said, it's been a year and a week or two since I've gotten "home", can you believe that?), but since I'm flying, I don't want to do anything yet. Besides, it's best to let my mom know beforehand as well, so yeah.
Well that's all the major things happening recently that I think deserves to be updated on. Hope that's enough information to make up for the 6 months or half year I was away, lol. Take care now. Hope your life has been as eventful, if not even more eventful. :)

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope everyone had a good year last year and may you have an even better year this year. For me, 2008 was a great, eventful, and meaningful year. Got a new laptop, new phone, bought an iPod, got to go to Japan, came "home" to Toronto, which also brought back good memories, and had good "endings" with my friends in HK (not as in our friendship are over, but as in things were great and warming before I left and even after i left, we're still doing good). It's been a year of new hopes, good evenings, new accomplishments, and good endings. Now I don't do New Year's resolutions because I don't believe in them cause from the way i see it, New Year's resolutions are only a spur of the moment thing where people only keep them in mind during the New Year's and after the "New Year's period" is over, it's usually completely forgotten, so for me, there's no point in doing it. But what I will do is state what I'd like to wish for in the new year of 2009. For 2009, I wish for a year of close and meaningful relationships, a year that's fun and eventful, with things taking on a new and fastinating approach. (it may sound like any typical greeting wish, but I'm specific with my choice of words on this one so it does mean something) What wishes do you have this for year and what are you looking forward to for 2009?

What I did above was a thing I'd usually do each year on my "diary" on my forum site that I mentioned that I have been on for the past 5 years, "vT" (just a short form of the actual name). And speaking of "vT", like I said before about how the loss of vT would hit me sooner or later, while it's starting to get to me. Now that vT's dead, it made me realize how much lonelier I've become since vT has always been my primary escape from reality or when I'm not able to do anything outside. vT also brought me a bunch of "e-friends" who I talk to when there's no one else to talk to but since I'm not close enough with some of them to have their contacts, I may never see them again now that it's gone. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, but yeah...meh...

On the subject of loneliness and such, I just wanna comment on something about the relationships between people and how things change in terms of that as people grow older. I know, I know, I'm going on about the whole aging thing again but I wasn't quite done back there because there was another reason (among the many others, lol) why I've always hated growing up. Anyways, I've noticed that as poeple grow up, they seem to grow...colder as well...how should I put it...like colder in terms of relationships. Remember what I mentioned about the masks we all wear? Well in my opinion, it seems like these masks become more...well, concieving for some, as they grow older which makes it harder to actually personally get to know people. And it also seems like they don't make as much of an effort to maintain relationships with people. I think it's all because people become more self-orientated since they've grown up and are able to take care of themselves, so they don't rely on people as much. But then again, humans are social beings, and everyone's scale of socialization is different. Some are satisfy with how things have become when they have grown up. Some just don't care, and some are not satisify because they just don't seem to get enough of that closer and more relationships as they have experience or got to have experience, such as myself. And as I speak for myself, for people like me, when we don't seem to react much on this, it's not because we wanted or liked it to happen this way, it's just case we've gotten used to it.
Oh, and I also thought of something else I'd hate about adulthood, it's how people become busier and more occupied so that's mostly why they don't have as much time for other things. I mean for example, i have friends who have already started to work and it seems...well life seems to have become dull for them, no offence, since they ahve to work all the time and nothing else really happens any more. I call them up and ask them how they're doing and every time they seem worn out and...yeah. Working your ass off in an environment you might not necessarily like and be stuck in there for quite a repeative and long period of time and not necessarily have much of a choice on that either, can't imagine when one day i'd have to do something like that as well...
But oh wel, what can we do about it. It's life...you have no choice to accept it and move on with it. Just like how I've noticed that despite how much I hate the "adult effect", i can feel it slowly creeping onto me...I dunno

Enough of the down tone-ness. Once again, wishing everyone out there all the best as we all move along with the new year, our lives and whatever's next. God bless!