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Ivan's Box of ThoughtsWhere I can have a little moment with myself, away from the world around us... Thanks for visiting!
July 01 Canadian Eh?The following is my tribute to Canada Day today, and my feelings and thoughts towards the nation of Canada and as to being a Canadian. This summer I am going to Hong Kong to visit my family and relatives, and when I told people that, a few of them would automatically assume my "home" is there and I can tell when they would ask me a simple question such as, "when are you going home?" Even though such cases are exceptional and do not often occur, I don’t like it when certain people would make such assumptions simply because I am of Chinese decent and ethnicity. I understand why they would have such assumptions in their head while approaching to a person whose background and appearances may suggest that they might have come from elsewhere and I do not blame them for doing so, but I do think they should be more considerate before they actually say something like that to a person because you never know if that person is a Canadian and if they would be offended by that. By referring elsewhere as my "home", I feel as though I am thought of as a "visitor" and I, for one, do not like to that because Canada is the place I was born and raised in, and I've always considered it my home. (On an additional note, for those of you know me, I was away from the country for 6 years. During these 6 years, I was homesick and I realized how precious this home was, and I fought my way to reclaim my home. So this home is precious to me and I do whatever I can to stand by to it) Despite all that, I do not feel any less Canadian than any other average Canadian. In my opinion, anyone who genuinely considers Canada their home is a Canadian. And one's background cannot serve as a basis for determining whether someone is Canadian because under that concept, about 95% of the Canadian population wouldn’t be considered as Canadians and only those of Aboriginals/First Nations decent would be the "true and pure" Canadians. Other than those who are of Aboriginal/First Nation decent, everyone’s ancestors were originally from somewhere else, and they decided that they wanted to settle in a new place to start a new life, and call it their home. It’s the same story no matter what number of generations one’s family have settled here. Therefore, regardless of what backgrounds we have, what type of person we are, everyone can be called a Canadian as long as they genuinely consider Canada their home. In America, there is something known as the "American dream". In Canada, I believe that the Canadian dream is that anyone regardless of race, ethnic origin, gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc., would be able to know and feel that they are welcomed to this place, and be able to call it their home if they choose to do so. And the fact that we have always placed priority in accomplishing that and how we have incorporated it into our society and our identity is why I believe this country is magnificent, why I am proud to be Canadian and why I love this country so much. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CANADA! Proud of you, and proud to be yours! :)
The "Longest" UpdateIt's been forever since I've updated my blogs, it's been half a year already and it's been far too long as this is the longest I have ever taken in updating my blogs. I'd say that it was mostly due to procrastination as when something I want to mention happens but I don't put it down immediately and I just wait till I feel like it, other things happen as well and as that list of things you want to talk about builds up, it just takes longer to type it up and post it, and so there would be even more procrastination. Actually now that I come to think about it, ever since my second semester started, I've been growing lazier as time goes by. I guess that's what happens when you're by yourself and no longer have your parents to constantly bug you and nag you over every thing you do at home. Heh, and I thought I had good self-discipline, guess I need to work on that then. Anyways, I'm just gonna briefly go over all the important things that have happened since the last time I've posted. First semester was finished by the end of January and I did reasonably well, got 78% in Anthropo-/Socio-/Psycho-logy (average 71%), 82% in Philosophy (average 78%), 63% in Math (average 73%; I think I'm done with Math for all now, not gonna take it next year), 80% in Biology (average 80%). My overall average was 75.8%, and if it wasn't for Math I would have gotten 80% which would be great, since I think the minimum passing grade for university is 75% (for overall average) and if you get over 80% for your overall average by the time you graduate, you'd get the Ontario scholarship for university and as your overall average goes higher, the higher your scholarship. Speaking of Phy Ed and sports earlier, there's something else that I want to mention. On one of the last few days of school, floor hockey was played in Phy Ed. I can't remember when was the last time I played it since it must have been several years. But for the first time, I was actually tempted to join in and play cause I was genuinely interested (i usually sit out...our class is mostly a fitness class, we don't do sports that often, when we do, that's what I do...that's me, i'm a bad sport). Now there's one more thing that's important and worth mentioning. During March Break, I went on a trip to Michigan. It was the first I've been in the US for several years now. What was I doing there? This would sound really silly but let me tell you something. For those of you who know me pretty well, I spend quite a lot of time on the internet and I sort of even have a life on the internet and have made a bunch of e-friends. One of them is someone by the name of DJ (DJ are his initials and what people usually call him) who is the longest e-friend I've made and possibly the longest friend I've had who I've kept in contact (I've known him since i was 13). Anyways, he's from Lansing, Michigan (the capital city of the State of Michigan) and his 18th birthday was at the end of March. So during March Break, I decided to make a trip to Michigan (to Lansing, and a short stop at Detroit while taking Greyhound) so that I could personally meet him at last, to sort of celebrate his birthday even though it's after March Break, and to also go on a little vacation of my own as well as visit the United States. It was great and I enjoyed it even though I only spent about 4 days there and that was it, but still it was a nice experience. I'm just gonna post some of the pictures I took during my trip, but not all since there's too much and I've got other pics to post as well. For the rest, check out the "Michigan" album on either my default blog as usual at http://spaces.msn.com/megastorm88 or for simplicity sake, http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=67208&id=810318538&l=6479e7aa93 on my Facebook. the Michigan State Capitol at Lansing, Michigan: Grand River from Frances Park in Lansing, Michigan: In Detroit (seeing is believing, wasn't impressed by that city, guess what they said was true):
And for those who are interested in the pics more than the things I say sometimes, here's some more. Last month was Open Doors Toronto, an annual event where about over a hundred historial, cultural, whatever significant buildings are open free to the public for visits. And it usually takes place on the weekend of late May.
the Council Chamber at Toronto City Hall: a model of downtown Toronto at City Hall Hmm, so what else to be updated on...I'm going to Hong Kong from July 17 to August 24 to visit my family. I'm getting my driving lessons because Ontario laws say that I could get a shorter waiting period for my driving test for my G2 licence (G2 = probitionary licence, right now I have a G1 = learner's permit) and cheaper insurance in the future. Besides, I could use some lessons to get me more familar with driving. :) Um, I'm also thinking of finally getting my name change after the summer since that's what I've always wanted to do but if you remember my previous blog entries, I couldn't do it cause I had to be in Ontario for the past 12 months to do so. It has already been 12 months (like I said, it's been a year and a week or two since I've gotten "home", can you believe that?), but since I'm flying, I don't want to do anything yet. Besides, it's best to let my mom know beforehand as well, so yeah. January 01 Moving On...Happy New Year, everyone! I hope everyone had a good year last year and may you have an even better year this year. For me, 2008 was a great, eventful, and meaningful year. Got a new laptop, new phone, bought an iPod, got to go to Japan, came "home" to Toronto, which also brought back good memories, and had good "endings" with my friends in HK (not as in our friendship are over, but as in things were great and warming before I left and even after i left, we're still doing good). It's been a year of new hopes, good evenings, new accomplishments, and good endings. Now I don't do New Year's resolutions because I don't believe in them cause from the way i see it, New Year's resolutions are only a spur of the moment thing where people only keep them in mind during the New Year's and after the "New Year's period" is over, it's usually completely forgotten, so for me, there's no point in doing it. But what I will do is state what I'd like to wish for in the new year of 2009. For 2009, I wish for a year of close and meaningful relationships, a year that's fun and eventful, with things taking on a new and fastinating approach. (it may sound like any typical greeting wish, but I'm specific with my choice of words on this one so it does mean something) What wishes do you have this for year and what are you looking forward to for 2009? What I did above was a thing I'd usually do each year on my "diary" on my forum site that I mentioned that I have been on for the past 5 years, "vT" (just a short form of the actual name). And speaking of "vT", like I said before about how the loss of vT would hit me sooner or later, while it's starting to get to me. Now that vT's dead, it made me realize how much lonelier I've become since vT has always been my primary escape from reality or when I'm not able to do anything outside. vT also brought me a bunch of "e-friends" who I talk to when there's no one else to talk to but since I'm not close enough with some of them to have their contacts, I may never see them again now that it's gone. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, but yeah...meh... On the subject of loneliness and such, I just wanna comment on something about the relationships between people and how things change in terms of that as people grow older. I know, I know, I'm going on about the whole aging thing again but I wasn't quite done back there because there was another reason (among the many others, lol) why I've always hated growing up. Anyways, I've noticed that as poeple grow up, they seem to grow...colder as well...how should I put it...like colder in terms of relationships. Remember what I mentioned about the masks we all wear? Well in my opinion, it seems like these masks become more...well, concieving for some, as they grow older which makes it harder to actually personally get to know people. And it also seems like they don't make as much of an effort to maintain relationships with people. I think it's all because people become more self-orientated since they've grown up and are able to take care of themselves, so they don't rely on people as much. But then again, humans are social beings, and everyone's scale of socialization is different. Some are satisfy with how things have become when they have grown up. Some just don't care, and some are not satisify because they just don't seem to get enough of that closer and more relationships as they have experience or got to have experience, such as myself. And as I speak for myself, for people like me, when we don't seem to react much on this, it's not because we wanted or liked it to happen this way, it's just case we've gotten used to it. Enough of the down tone-ness. Once again, wishing everyone out there all the best as we all move along with the new year, our lives and whatever's next. God bless! December 25 Merry Christmas!Merry Christmas! Here's my little shoutout to you all and everyone, that may you have a very Merry Christmas as well. God bless!
I really don't know what is it I want to say in this entry, I guess I'll just be posting a brief entry on how Christmas was and how it went. Well first of all, it's my first Christmas back here at "home" and I delighted to celebrate back here since I've always complained about how lacking holiday spirit is, while I was away in HK and China. But you know what I find interesting? It's like while I was in HK, I would make a much greater effort to create holiday spirit because I felt like there wasn't enough of that, but yet now that I'm back, i hardly do much and it just seems like an ordinary holiday, with not too much going on but just chillin'. The little things that have made holiday a bit of something were two things...snow and Christmas trees. I always say that winter's not the same without snow and finally, there's snow; haven't had a white Christmas for 7 years now. Despite how snow turns into slush which I hate a lot, and how it's also difficult to walk when that slush turns into ice, I still love that white stuff. :-) The other thing that made my Christmas were Christmas trees. I have not had a Christmas tree at my place for Christmas in 7 years now. I bought this tiny little 60 cm (2 feet) Christmas tree for my room (can't get a huge one, they're expensive and I have nowhere to store it), put it on my bedside table, decorated with lights and stuff. And I can tell you that despite its small size, everytime I look at that little Christmas tree, it just puts a smile on my face. Even though I haven't done much this Christmas, just the snow and Christmas tree itself already made it look like Christmas. You have to learn to find the blessings in the little things.
Other things that are worth mentioning about this Christmas, I got a microwave from Amanda since i kinda need one for the convenience of eating. The phone I mentioned last time was part-Christmas and part-birthday present from my parents, so yeah. Aaannnddd, i think that's about it. Oh, and I also won another $10 from the free ticket I won from the second lottery ticket I bought on my birthday. :-D As for what else I did for Christmas, well like I said I didn't really do anything. I did my usual routine in sending out dozens of Christmas cards to all the people I care and I nearly spend all my birthday money for Christmas; funny how the things I received, most were given back out.The only person i could celebrate it with this year is my grandma, and all we did was have a buffet dinner on Christmas Eve and stayed over for these couple of days. On Christmas Day (today), we didn't do anything really since it was just the two of us, stores are close and there's nothing to do really. I wanted to go to church today, but it turns out the church around my grandma's place didn't have a service for Christmas today which kinda upset me. The only service they had was for last night on Christmas Eve which I should have realize but forgot. Although it upsets me that since Christmas was suppose to be celebrating Christ's birth in the first place, but then again, the important thing is the way you bring about the meaning and what's in the heart, right? Well that's about it...for now. Again, Merry Christmas (whether or not you celebrate it i'm still gonna spread and share my joy for it)! And now for some pictures, I took tons of pics cause I couldn't get the perfect picture, so I'll just post the top ones I like the most and then you decided, the rest is in my facebook/myspace/MSN Space, etc:
   the little Christmas tree on my bedside table
the goregous Swarovski Christmas Tree at the largest mall in Toronto, Eaton Centre
     Eaton Centre itself
 Toronto City Hall, during the winter, with the Christmas tree far in the background and people skiing on Nathan Phillips Square
 PS: all of these pics were taken with my new camera phone. :-D December 23 Counting Up / Counting DownWell "counting up" to my last blog entry about my whole nostalgia thing, there are a couple of things I need to say about it. First of all, i just found out yesterday that the forum site (which I'd call it by its short form name, "vT") I've been going to for the past 5 years...'died'...the server/provider had a bunch of problems and finally it's gone now...It seems so coincidental that I joined that forum site right when I turned 13 and it died...now right after my **th birthday (thou shall not speak of the evil number Moving on, oh, that part I said I got a new phone. Yeah, the phone that I was originally using broke down for some odd reason and I sent it back to HK (where I bought it...random NOTE: Asia and Europe have the best phones in the world...and sadly, North American phones suck!), hoping it can be fixed. But it couldn't be fixed so my parents said that I pick out a new phone and they can send it over as a birthday and Christmas combined-present. And continuing with that whole nostalgia thing, after posting up the pic I took for the last entry, i've been wanting to do a picture timeline of the places I've been for a while now, now that I've got most of all the pictures I've took since I got back here (you have already seen them already). So here goes: Born here on 2:06 PM (EST), Sunday, December 2, 1990: Up till I was 3-4 years old, i moved between my parents' (both me and my biological father) apartment and my father's family house, and then after they were divorced, me and my mom rented a place before we finally settled down...here which was where I stayed from ages 4-8, with my grandma mostly around while my mom had to work nearly all the time, and during that time, from kindergarten till middle of Grade 3, I studied here: Mom remarried to my stepdad and then we moved to his place, which was in the western suburbs of Toronto - Mississauga and lived there for about 2 years from 8-9, where I also studied from the middle of Grade 3 till after I finished Grade 4 after my siblings (half, but I don't care if they're half-related or full-related or whatever, i still love them) were born, we needed to move to a bigger place, so we bought a house waaay up north in the edge of the northern suburbs, in a community called Nobleton: sadly, while I was up in Nobleton that day, I couldn't manage to take a pic of the school I studied while I was there - Nobleton Senior Public School then went to mainland China because of some business problems from my parents and was there for 2.5 years...hated China so damn much that I didn't take any pics (then again, i didn't have a camera then...even if i did, there was really nothing that was worth taking pictures of) then settled in Hong Kong for 3.5 years after things in China didn't work out at all and now...no pics of my school, only the room I live in so yeah, even though this was kinda unnecessary, but there we go. a timeline of pictures of the many times I have moved. see...this was what I was talking about in my previous blog entry and like I said, the spirit of Christmas is cheering me on. afterall, this is the first Christmas I get to spend back here in Canada. with the snow, the Christmas spirit, the tree, etc....yeah, I'll get more into that when Christmas comes. until then, let's count down for Christmas. :-) take care, God bless, everyone. December 11 Things Will Never be the Same AgainNOTE: I know this entry is extremely long, but if you read it all, it would mean a lot and you would understand so much more about me. the important points are in bold if you wanna skim though.
If you wondered what the heck was the previous entry was about...well you see, that entry was posted on the day before my birthday...my 18th birthday on December 2, in fact. Yes, that's right, I'm officially considered as an "adult" now *sigh*. Even though physically nothing has changed, but symbollically, it's a big step and nothing will ever be the same again. For those of you who don't know me well enough, get ready, cause you're in for quite a story of my life. You see, I dread growing up, and I had dread my 18th birthday so much. The reasons why are simple, because I felt like my entire youth had been "wasted" away, and by youth, I meant childhood and teenage combined. You see, I was never really satisified with the way my youth went. There had been so much shit that has happened in my life that I felt like I've never really had much of the opportunity to...enjoy my youth. Just to give you a list of major events that have happened in my life so far:
- family had always been screwed up, shattered and broken, there had been very few who could have been counted on - parents were divorced when I was a very little kiddo (and my real dad was never seen again...motherfucker...) - mom had to work her ass off day and night just to provide for me and my grandma - grew up with my grandma during a portion of my life and she had...well problems (she's a bit eccentric...more than you know; there was even another entry here not too long ago that described just one of the ways how she's a bit crazy) and those problems kinda screwed up part of my development as a person and part of my personality too - mom got remarried - stepdad treated me like shit - couldn't say a word about because my siblings were born and I didn't want to screw up the family (cause I know their marriage would be in crisis if I said a word and their family would be torn) - some business investment shit happened and we had to move and stay in China and HK for a period of time where I was literally dying there - never had much long-term/longlasting friends because I've moved several times in my life - ...and now, here we are. Ever heard of mid-life crisis? Yeah, I constantly had something I'd like to call, "youth-life crisis" or "quarter-life crisis". Like I said, I just felt like so much drama and shit has been happening continously, that it feels like I've never had much of a chance to stop and enjoy my youth or do what most "normal" things kids were able to do (please don't ask me for a list of examples...just think of some of the things you used to do as a kid or some of the things the typical kid across the street does and play). And because of that, I didn't want to move on because I felt like I'm not through with childhood and teenage and that it had been too short. Another reason why I dreaded adulthood is because...I'm cynical about the adult world. Remember my entry before the previous one, about how people wear masks? Well...I believe that by adulthood, everyone wears an even bigger and thicker mask because their masks have been fully developed and that...well it's harder to look behind that mask and form an actual and real relationship with someone (by relationship, I always mean relationships in general, not just the romance and dating ones). And for all those reasons, I've never looked forward to growing up, because I don't want to be like those people. Heh, funny how everyone else forward to growing up and have "freedom". Oh, and speaking of "freedom". On my actual birthday, I decided to exercise as much of my "rights and freedoms" as a "legal person" as I can. First of all, I called in the school to skip and authorized my absence; no more sneaky sneaky skipping any more. I've always wanted to rename myself to something else: Ivan Matthias Martin Mordalfus, it's a long story but since I've always hated my dad's side of the family and wanted to disconnect my surname from theirs; wanted to start a new family line since it seems like most of the names in my family were from jerks; also wanted to change my middle names as well while I was at it since I never liked it either. Even though I'm now legal and have the right to do so...I found out that I had to be in my province for the last 12 months in order to do so, meh. I also tried increasing the limit in my bank account (currently it's a pathetic $100 per day, free 15 times transaction per month), but couldn't do anything like that until my account has been around at least 6 months. Wanted to finally change my bill back to my name as receipant instead of my grandma's name...but couldn't unless my grandma was there as well. Despite all this talk about "new rights and freedoms", I still found myself restricted by certain restrictions. Like I said, it feels as if nothing has really changed much...I dunno. But the only other right I was able to freely and willingly use was to buy a lottery ticket...which I scored 4 numbers and won about $50-something. Wow...4 numbers on my first ticket, there's my little birthday present from God. :) Oh, and I also got 5 confirmed gifts from people too. So that I was happy about. But anyways, I spent the whole day out on my own, doing whatever. I wanted my moment of solitude, so I literally disconnected myself from everyone I know on that day because I did not want to talk about my birthday much really. On that day, I also went to revisit the very first school I attended, from kindergarten to the middle of Grade 3, White Haven Junior Public School, as well as the neighbourhood where I used to live while I was there. Also went to the hospital I was born in, on the exact same time I was born on, to signify and mark my official exact 18 years. Then spent the rest of the day, wandering around. Interesting how as I looked at all these places, so much has changed and so much is still the same. For example, "Scarborough Grace Hospital" is now called "Scarborough Hospital - Grace Division", yet it's still the same hospital, and how White Haven used to have portable classrooms and now they're all gone and replaced by a new block of the building, but it's still the same school. I hope the same can be said about me...things have changed for me, but I'm still the same. :-) Here are some pics I took that day:
the hospital I was born in, Scarborough Grace Hospital. went back there at the exact same date and time as I was born as you can see in the watch pics (except i was born on a Sunday, not a Tuesday)
     the place where I used to live between ages 4-8
  the first school i've attended, from kindergarten till the middle of Grade 3, White Haven Junior Public School
  After wandering around for an entire day, I realized something. I think I had come to a conclusion as to why I do these things and why I tend to be so nostalgic, having such a hard time letting go things. I think it's because...I've never been able to truly have something that lasted long enough for me to truly hold onto throughout these years, and so in my desperation of holding onto something, I reach for all these little pieces of what I could have, put them altogether and hold onto that. Instead of holding that one or few things that make up my life, I have to hold onto the several pieces that made up my life, and not able to let go of anything because one little piece gone meant that it would be incomplete, as if my life isn't already feeling incomplete. I realized that all I ever wanted...was a home. My family had always been shattered and it had always been my mom who was actually there this whole time. Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother very very much and I know she does too and would do all her best for whatever's good for me, but just herself can't be the definition of what my entire life. Besides, despite how close we are, there's always a small gap between us in which I'd never tell her all these inner-feelings I have because I know she cares too much about me. I know that because she would try so hard to help even though her best just isn't enough to solve all of life's problems sometimes or that sometiems she cannot fully understand, that it would just bring her down along with me, so that's why I'd never tell and give out too much information. But by home, i didn't mean just family, i meant the deeper meanings behind the single four-letter word, home. Because I've moved so much, I was never in a place not enough to develop any strong and long relationships with anyone that was longlasting. if there's any place I'd call home, it would definitely be Canada, or more specifically, Toronto (or the Greater Toronto Area), since I was born and raised here, and spent majority of my life here. But the area of the city itself and its suburbs are huge, and even though I've lived here most of my life, but it's only in many different regions within this area. It's all shattered, along with everything else. But you know what...the sad thing is, I can't do anything about it. Time goes on, life moves on, what else are you gonna do about it? Some may say that you just gotta move on as well...but that's the main problem here! It's always so much harder for me to move on, I just stand still and wishing I could have more time, opportunities, and chances for me to make up for the things I couldn't have and enjoy it. But I know you can't stand still while everything else just keeps on going. That's why I have these 'breakdowns' every so often and get really bitter as I look into the past, because part of me is still stuck in that past, and it would take a miracle to pull that part of me out of that past, because the past is irreversible. As we have no choice to take that step and move on to life, nothing will ever be the same again. More the reasons why I felt bitter about turning into an adult, and all the more anyone who has fully read this dreadfully long entry, now knows about me. Cause if you have read through this all, you now know most of everything already. And if you've cared enough about me to read all this, please say something, anything, let me know that someone out there actually cares, because...I love you. December 01 The EndYesterday and the days before are lost and gone.
And now, today will be the last day of my life. Tomorrow would be the worst day of my life, and the days after will never be the same again. As these days watch over time, these days watch over us tonight. November 28 Confessions of an Internet CitizenNOTE: what's up with all these titles people use, "Confessions of a...<insert word here>"? i mean, seriously... About a couple of days ago, during my Anthro-/Socio-/Psycho-logy class, we watched a news documentary on the connection between teenagers, society and the Internet, with both the aspects of positive and negative values towards it being mentioned and I have to say that I was proven guilty because of all that was mentioned, I'm part of that community. I have an online life in which I express myself a little bit more than usual and do things that are not as visible in my real life. But speaking from a perspective on the inside, I acknowledge the harms of it and I do see it happening on me sometimes despite how hard it is to stop. But let me just say that half of the reason why i'm like this is because all the shit that happened in my life (not online) have deteriated parts of my social skills and life (too many to name, but for those who have known me long enough, you'd know my grandma played a certain role in that while I was with her majority of the time between ages 4-8). But the other half of the reason is that even if I open up, not a lot of people would care for what I would have to say or want to do, or perhaps even accept. And believe me, I'm pretty real for the most part and I hardly hide away. However, when one feels like there's simply not enough support or care in their real life, such as myself, I'd resort to my online life to obtain more of that. You might say it's an overdue break from reality. Well as if I'm not exposing myself enough on the net already, just wanted to update on what my last entry about my new place. well the new windows are installed, and with that, I definitely feel a lot more at home. so now I have decorated my room and everything with my room is done and set in motion. I said I'd post up some pics...here we go, from all four corners of my room. whatcha think? any more room for improvement? (just notice a pun within, lol) and report cards came out just a week or two ago. so far I'm doing alright, most of my marks are above average...except for math! 13% below average, damn...and don't give me the asian stereotype cause screw that, lol! anyways, to explain some of the stuff on my report card, "Anthropo" stands for "Introduction to Anthro-/Socio-/Psycho-logy" (best class), and "Funct & Rel" stands for "Math - Functions and Relations". If it wasn't for Math, my overall average would be 80! so screw math, especially imaginary numbers, lol. That's all for now.
...4 days left... November 11 (Long After Being) Back to SchoolHey it's been quite a while since I've updated, my apologizies. But the very reason why i haven't been able to update was because I've been extremely busy with all that has happened in life. So now I'm back in "real" high school, finally back in Canadian schools. As for how I'm doing in school, well I'm glad to be back in this school system and i love it and it's great. I'm in Grade 11 now because back in HK, they dropped me a grade cause I was a foreign student. If they didn't, I would have graduated by this year. But then I didn't want to wind up in Grade 12, at the last year of school, only to get use to things before I graduate and have everything pass by and start all over, without fully knowing what happened, so I chose to be in Grade 11. The only problem I have is blending in. Let's see, I haven't been back in 6 years, and I'm in the new kid in school and around the neighbourhood, I know nobody and I'm a nobody to everyone, I'm in Grade 11, so most of everyone knows each other already, and to make things worse, I miss the first week of school, meaning I missed intro to things. Allow me to explain, back when I was trying to register into a school, I faced certain problems in doing so. One, scools were closed during the sumer, as well as portions of the school board. Two, i did a lot of phone tagging before I got to a department that could answer my questions. Three, the department was giving me a hard time given my situation (being away for 6 years, living on my own, etc.). So those are the reasons why I was late for school. I know I would enter since I'm Canadian, but it's just that missing the first week and the amount of time that took to get thing done frustrates me, that's all. As for the blending in problem, I've already told you some of the reasons - being new and etc. Another part of the reason is that I feel like it's my fault...I know if it's because I've away for too long or something, but I'm having a problem in reaching out to people and get to know them. I'm kinda drawn back and I'm not usually like this, but for some reason, I'm being all shy and quiet these days. And I'm so worried that I might be considered as another stereotypical dorky asian. I know it's all in my head and that usuaully it's more of a matter of how you see yourself than outerhs seeing you, but I dunno...it's screwed, the more I fuss about it, the more I'm being one, but I can't help it, ugh! Let's hope I'll be smart enough to stop being such a dork of front of people. Now don't get me wrong, school's good and in Canada, where there are lots of diversities, I'm not considered weird or frown upon, it's just that since I hardly have any friends and I don't fit into any cliques, I'm just afraid that pretty soon, school would become...mediocore...but I'm working on it. It's been 2 months now and I'd say I'm very slowly making progress. Except it's so slow that sometimes I wonder.....But otherwise, for academics in school, I'm doing moderately well. It's like the stock market, occassional ups and downs, and like the stock market, it's really intensive to look at my progress reports and how they're going up and down, lol. I'm taking Biology, Intro to Anthropo-/Socio-/Psycho-logy (perfect for me since I've always wanted to get into something related to humanities, especially psychology in university), Philosophy, and Math. I can't tell you what I'm gonna take for next semester since I'm still not sure and would definitely switch some of my course, but I can tell you I'd definitely have English (mandatory, duh; well, I like English anyways, so yeah), lol. And yes, for those of you who still haven't got it yet, I'm on my own (shouldn't be telling you all this, but what the hell...). Remember how I mentioned something about my parents finally allowing me to come home by myself first. So yeah, i'm pretty much settled now. Let me tell you a short story (it won't be too long, hehe). When I was looking for a place to rent (Grandma's in senior apartment, can't live with her, and she's also in the city...I want to settle in the suburbs, more stable...trust me, I lived almost throughout the GTA (Greater Toronto Area), I know my city), I found a posting on craigslist for a furnished basement for $625 (that gives you an idea of the rent in GTA), i sent them a response and they replied that someone had their eye on it but haven't made up their mind yet, so I could or could not get it. It seem like a decent place and I really liked it, but in the interest of time (since this all happened during middle-end of August and I have to settle by September), I moved on. I found a second place, which is where I am living at right now, a furnished room with everything, that's $600. But places are nice and the owners seems nice, except I personally preferred a whole basement all to myself rather than just a room with bathroom (not attached btw). Just when I settled a deal with the second place, I hear a reply from the first place the next day saying that the guy ahead in line was a fraud and that they are willing to accept me if I want to move in...what perfect timing. What would you call this...irony or Murphy's Law...or a bit of both? And knowing that the rule of irony or Murphy's Law was being in effect, I couldn't dropped the deal from the second place and go for the first place cause if I screw it up with the first place, i'd lose both. So I just accepted the situation that has happened already...which was real hard since I liked the first place more, but...at least the location of the place where I'm living now (the second place) is more ideal than the first (the first was closer to the city boundaries, so that's not too good...though at the same time, it would also mean I wouldn't need to take the suburb transit AND the city transit, but rather JUST the city transit whenever I need to get around or visit my grandma...meh). So yeah, that's all, but I'm doing good here, except for the fact that my window's still not properly fixed yet, we're still waiting for the custom-made windows to come in. I'd post some pics once the windows come in and I feel comfortable enough to truly make myself comfortable (I made myself comfortable enough, but not fully comfortable yet because i know that when people come to fix my window, there's gonna be dust, shoesmarks and all and I can't be bother to fix everything again, so yeah). But isn't that awesome? On my own, with my own place, still supported by my parents (they pay for rent, and most of everything, though I have to be careful with spending their money cause it's HKD to CAD and I don't want to be too much of a burden on them :( ...), and in high school. The only thing that's missing is my teenage social life in high school here and once I get that going...yeah. :D Hmmm...what else...oh, I got my driver's licence! Or rather my learner's permit. In Ontario, once you reach 16, you can apply for your licence. First you get a G1 licence, which is a learner's permit, where you take only a written test, and then you can only drive when there's another person with at least 4 years driving experience beside you, in the front seat at all times, and cannot drive between 12-5am. Then after 8-12 months, you can apply for your G2, which is a probitionary licence and you can get that after you pass a driving test and then you'd be able to do most of everything a full-licence driver does. And then after another 12 months, you can apply for your G licence, a full licence, once you pass another driving test and yeah. But nonetheless, I'm excited that I finally got my card despite how it took me a while, but yeah. :D But anyways, here's what mine looks like:
(btw, i'm not actually 175 cm, it's just that when the register asked me how tall I am, i was like "i don't know...maybe 175?", not that i come to thnk about it, I should be more like 177; and yes, i know I look like shit >_<) So that basically ends our post here, can't think of much of what else to say, but yeah, that's all. I feel bad that it took me so long to post this up, again, been either too busy or too lazy after all the work, lol. But before I go, I'd like to dedicate this post to a significant day today...Remembrance Day, a day of remembrance and appreication to peace after all the wars the world has been through (google it up if you don't know, but in Canada it has always been a big deal, where almost everyone wears a poppy, you would notice those poppies on Canadian newscasters).
August 12 Catching Up With ThingsAfter several weeks of phone tagging, I've finally got an answer for how to register into a school. They told me to wait until the school opens so that I can ask if they are able to take me in, wait until they open on the last week of August. Now this is hard for me cause let me describe my situation. My boxes of personal belongings have arrived but must be picked up from the post office within a week and a half, which is before the school opens. I do not have a car and can only call on people to help me move. Now I am ready to move...problem is, to where? I already had my eye on a certain neighbourhood that I can choose to rent but is it suitable for me in terms of school? Because I can't register yet and I don't know if the school is available for a new student like me, and I can't do anything about it until the school opens. So if they cannot accept me, then what? I'm afraid to move because I'm afraid of what would happen if the school doesn't accept me (if the school within walking distance isn't available then I'm screwed cause I can't move again), but yet at the same time, I have to take care of my boxes and I don't want to ask people to make too many trips moving things back and forth. Not to mention, by the time school opens and they can accept me, I still have to go through an accessment and all that complicated stuff because I've been away for the country for so long now, and that's stressing because by that time, and the first day of school isn't too far away.
So tell me, what do you think I should do? My grandmother suggested that we hire someone and pick up the boxes first before it's too late, take it back to her place (where I am currently staying during all the time since I've been back btw). And then...I'll wait till schools open and find out more information about whether or not they can take me in and once it's okay, then I can start moving to that area and start settling down...but that would also be stressing since school starts on September 2, and with the short amount of time for moving, registering, etc, etc. Also there's also a risk that the other good available rentals might be gone by then. Oh, this just hurts my head. What do you think about this idea? Help me out here, what do you suggest?
With no other opinions, I guess I would just have to go with the above option...and let's just hope and pray that it would all work, that the school and neighbourhood I had my eye on would be available by that time and that the accessment and registration won't be too complicated and troublesome and that I can still settle well in time to come. *sigh* On a happier note, last week, i decided to take a trip back to the westside suburbs, Mississauga, the place where we used to live in when I was 8-9, between the middle of Grade 3 till after I finished Grade 4. We moved there after my mom married my stepdad who lives there, and we moved out of there after my brother and sister were born and we decided that there wasn't enough space so we moved to a big house on the northern suburbs, right on the edge of the countryside. It was quite an experience to be back in Mississauga seeing all the familiar places. I was feeling really nostalgic that day. I even met up with my old best friend back when I lived there, Daniel, who i haven't met face-to-face for 8 years now and haven't actually sat down and talked to for 6 years. Best thing was everything was just like the same way it was back then when we were kids, except we've grown up now, looking slightly different, with different voices even though we sound the same. Now this is great since when you meet up with old friends, the most common scenerio is that A - you're like the same as it was back thenand you talk a lot, catch up with things and have a good time, or B - you're faced in an awkward situation with lots of pauses and silence. Now scenerio B is absolutely unwanted, so I'm glad things were this way.
the school I used to go to between the middle of Grade 3 and the end of Grade 4, Huntington Ridge Public School. the third pic was the path at the side of the school that we used to walk through to get inside the courtyard every day...
the apartment we used to live in, Park Mansion on Kingsbridge Garden Circle. nice apartment eh? it was until after my brother and sister were born that we were running out of space and decided to move out to a big house in the suburbs that's almost right beside the countryside
Mississauga City Centre Bus Terminus
me and my old best friend, Daniel |
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lol). Now this upsets me because I've had a lot of history with that forum and I felt like it was, what I call, "a witness of my life" (or teenage life for that matter). During my days of absolute hell in Mainland China for two years, I relyed on three things that kept me alive, my diary (not this one, the offline one I keep), prayers with God (though it was also during this time that I had my spiritual crisis and lost my faith for a short period of time in the middle), and the Internet - in particularly that forum site, vT. I felt like it was my window to the world back then, and I even made lots of "e-friends" which I became very close with (remember my post on "Confessions of an Internet Citizen"?...yeah, there was more to it...my life online also consists of friends I have on there that are so close that we mail each other things, talk on the phone, and go on webcam, etc., yeah) through that place, and now it's gone. You might be thinking, "oookaaay...big deal, weirdo", but everyone has their weird little quirks and this is me. All I can say is that it's like the feeling of having a really close friend for the past 5 years that you have had a lot of fun with and had helped you get through the worst of days and suddenly it 'died' or went away and not coming back...Although as of yesterday, I'm still not greatly affected by it because lately i've received a new phone for my birthday/Christmas present from my parents and the spirit of Christmas is still upon me, and I'm still feeling cheerful at the moment. But I think sooner or later, it will hit me like how for some people, like my Grade 5 teacher described it when he talked about how he reacted when his mom died, there weren't much reaction when the news first came, but then one day when they started thinking, "hmm, it's been a while since I've visited so-and-so, i better...oh wait...", and that's when it hits them...
I originally picked out the new Noka N85 (awesome phone!) but my mom got me the N95 - 8GB verison instead, thinking that it's better since the model number's higher and the phone itself is better. I understand her logic, except the model itself has been around for half a year now. But nonetheless, it doesn't matter and I still LOVE it all the same since the functions are similiar and I did wanted it before the new ones came out, so I'm very happy about the new phone even though i don't have a lot of people to call really. But anyways, presenting my 4th phone, the Nokia N95 - 8GB verison: 
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